Why the 'Happiness Carrot' is Killing Your Progress

Its that time of year: a clean calendar, a fresh perspective and perhaps a renewed sense of optimism for what could lie ahead. A new year feels like a deep breath for the system and brings with it a uniform question from friends and family, "what are your goals for this year?"

I've girded against this question in recent years, cynical with the implicit assertion that inspiration and goals are something reserved for the beginning of a new year. Of course this isn't true, but given that most of us are focused on the topic during this time of year, I thought it fitting to start the year with a fresh look at goals and perhaps provide a lift to those discouraged by the cold and uninspiring data surrounding the efficacy of 'new year goals & resolutions'.

If you are curious about who I am and why I'm writing, explore my background and the vision for my writing here

Why the 'Happiness Carrot' is Killing Your Progress.... and What to Do About It

For those of you who want the one-sentence blurb of this post, here it is:

Their is a universal, unconscious narrative which says: "I'll be happy when ______ (fill in the blank) happens". We don't really talk about this in social settings, but we all do it. We create a link between happiness and the manifestation of a goal (or a desired result). We hold our happiness hostage!

I know I do this all the time, but a lot less than I used to. Typically, my own happiness carrots are: paying off my mortgage, getting a great year end review at work, or realizing financial freedom from my side hustle.

Take a look at the self-portrait I drew if it helps visualize the point:

It is important to dismantle this intuitive relationship between our goals and our happiness and upgrade the way we relate to these variables early and often. Our happiness is a powerful driver of our energy, and in turn, our energy is deterministic of the amount of action we take. (You can only take action when you don't 'feel like it' for so long). Here's the target environment I'm advocating for:

When we hold happiness hostage, one of two things usually happens:

We inevitably face resistance and the mental/physical frustration (learning a new skill, training for a race, etc.) coupled with your emotionally weakened state (deprived of happiness) translates to shrinking or outright abandoning of a goal....or
Perhaps discipline and fortitude carry you to the finish line, but at this point, your mind has no-doubt re-calibrated. The goal posts have moved, and happiness is suddenly over the next hill (or on a different carrot)

Of course people are fed up or disenchanted with setting goals for themselves! This is an unsustainable and debilitating cycle which leads to feelings of inadequacy and longing.

So, what does an alternative look like? Try asking yourself a new set of questions and observe how your mind works to solve them:

Clarifying Questions:

- "What would it look like to be happy along the way to your goal?"
- "How would your view of self change?"
- "What would relationship with loved ones look like?"
- "How would you act when your actions fall short, doors close & setbacks arise?"

I bet your mind comes up with some interesting and perhaps even exciting answers to these questions, if you allow time to explore them.

To put these ideas into context, below are a set of scenarios I'm encountering on a daily basis while working toward a goal. The column to the left characterizes how I relate to my environment when the default system is active ("I'll be happy when ..."). The right column shows how I relate when I'm committed to experiencing happiness along the way. Observe the difference:

Do you identify with this? Maybe it would serve you to slow down and think about the default language YOUR mind uses when you hold happiness hostage in pursuit of a goal....When you identify the hostage narratives rattling around in your own head, the easier it becomes to recognize and choose differently in the future....

This happiness framework of 'Hostage' vs 'Along the Way' is critical because of its effect on a powerful asset:

Your Energy

If you're anything like me, your energy is a highly fluid & fickle resource. It can go from full throttle to empty in a flash. Many things can disrupt one's 'pursuit energy': maybe its a phone call, a new request that came in, perhaps a mistake, an unexpected change in plans. Whatever it is, your energy, your natural enthusiasm and buoyancy, is being altered. Why does this matter?

If you believe that the probability of realizing your goals is correlated to the following equation:

Then the importance of energy management and optimization cannot be overstated. You are an imperfect being. You will do things when you feel like doing them, you will shy away from resistance, you will fear failure or the unknown. Protecting, or even better, enhancing your energy is essential to minimizing the progress leakage which is part of the human experience. Let's honor this reality, we can leave our 'David Goggins hat' on the shelf for now, there is a time and place for that.

Instead, let's acknowledge the reality that the energy toward our goals will be in flux this year. Allowing happiness to retain its default status as a goal 'output' will neuter the energy you are able to deploy each week -> poor energy will leak into your staying power and the magnitude of the action you take. If you permit yourself to be happy along the path, no matter how far away you feel from the goal, you are emotionally stronger, bringing greater energy and elevating your performance.

Blocks or gaps do not have to be deterministic of your happiness.

Here is my challenge to you for the year ahead: When building out goals, try using happiness as a tool to protect and upgrade your energy. Notice when happiness is being treated as a carrot, and gently re-direct yourself with help from the clarifying questions stated above.

You will be amazed at how much further and faster you can go over time when you have permission to be happy in pursuit of your interests. You will hit blocks and gaps just the same, but you will fall down less and get back up faster when you do.

Pyrrhic victory is defined as - "a victory or success that comes at the expense of great losses or costs". Don't settle for Pyrrhic victories this year, happiness is not a hostage to the life you want, you can have both.

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Stay Tuned, More to Come On Goals - Ryan

P.S. - As a bold request of anyone reading... my vision this year is to reach an audience of 5,000 people. If you know anyone who may like this article, please pass it along.